Thanks for the mention Chris! Love this article by the way. So many great nuggets in here as usual. I always want to stay a while and click around. Thanks for bringing all these topics into one place and seeing how they relate.
Thank you so much for the recommendation Chris. I was most interested in this issue by the distinction you made between ego gratification and self worth. How would I know which one is being fed by a compliment in your experience? Any telltale signs that would make it clear when I'm being reinforced for one over the other?
The difference for me is if the person complimenting me has taste in the same subject. If they've gone through a similar experience and know what it takes to become good. Another sign is if I think that I've put the effort in and the compliment is a verification of something I already know.
For the ego gratification side, I think if you can get a compliment by just doing your base level effort, then it's a sign of ego gratification. Many people don't venture out of their comfort zones, so they think things are harder than they are.
But I do think that I go too far sometimes in that I don't appreciate compliments. There's nothing wrong with a compliment, at the least you should take it as a sign that someone cares about you. Sometimes my reaction is something like, "You must have a really low opinion of me that you think that was worth complimenting," which is not a good reaction to have.
Actually, going back to the ego gratification and self worth, when I was writing the essay I had an angle about how prestige is extrinsic. You get prestige from other people. And that feeds into your ego.
Hahah. I think it's good to say it! I just think it's important to say why you're proud.
"I'm proud of you graduating HS" is different than "I'm proud of you for studying so much that you can explain to me the causes of the collapse of the Roman Empire"
You're smart – the only thing that's probably worse. Now there are studies proving telling this to kids is bad. 😃 I'm a regular guy with a good work ethic. When I received the keys to my first car, apartment, the second, the third, etc. I wasn't as happy as people expected me to be and sometimes asked: "are you not happy?". I always thought I was happy reaching this, but receiving the keys was the end of the journey, and once the paperwork was done, the keys were really just a formality.
"I’ve found out what good BJJ feels and looks like and I know what it takes to get better." Have you read The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin? He talks about his approach to train and how he won several championships in Chess, Tao Chi Push Hands and BJJ. I think you'll like it.
"If you're Asian, I heard this from my parents more than you think, if you're not, I heard it much less." HAHAHA ok this is clever
Thanks for the mention Chris! Love this article by the way. So many great nuggets in here as usual. I always want to stay a while and click around. Thanks for bringing all these topics into one place and seeing how they relate.
Thank you so much for the recommendation Chris. I was most interested in this issue by the distinction you made between ego gratification and self worth. How would I know which one is being fed by a compliment in your experience? Any telltale signs that would make it clear when I'm being reinforced for one over the other?
The difference for me is if the person complimenting me has taste in the same subject. If they've gone through a similar experience and know what it takes to become good. Another sign is if I think that I've put the effort in and the compliment is a verification of something I already know.
For the ego gratification side, I think if you can get a compliment by just doing your base level effort, then it's a sign of ego gratification. Many people don't venture out of their comfort zones, so they think things are harder than they are.
But I do think that I go too far sometimes in that I don't appreciate compliments. There's nothing wrong with a compliment, at the least you should take it as a sign that someone cares about you. Sometimes my reaction is something like, "You must have a really low opinion of me that you think that was worth complimenting," which is not a good reaction to have.
Actually, going back to the ego gratification and self worth, when I was writing the essay I had an angle about how prestige is extrinsic. You get prestige from other people. And that feeds into your ego.
Thanks, these are valuable additional distinctions
Wise, super insightful and beautifully written essay on taste and being true to ourselves. A real gem!
After reading your newsletter, I still couldn’t stop my cultural programming and said “I’m proud of you” to my kiddo last night 😂
Hahah. I think it's good to say it! I just think it's important to say why you're proud.
"I'm proud of you graduating HS" is different than "I'm proud of you for studying so much that you can explain to me the causes of the collapse of the Roman Empire"
"If both of these are true, perhaps we should explore alternatives to schooling."
Yes, 100%!
You're smart – the only thing that's probably worse. Now there are studies proving telling this to kids is bad. 😃 I'm a regular guy with a good work ethic. When I received the keys to my first car, apartment, the second, the third, etc. I wasn't as happy as people expected me to be and sometimes asked: "are you not happy?". I always thought I was happy reaching this, but receiving the keys was the end of the journey, and once the paperwork was done, the keys were really just a formality.
Yes! It's like "it's the journey, not the destination" but everyone praises you for reaching the destination
"I’ve found out what good BJJ feels and looks like and I know what it takes to get better." Have you read The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin? He talks about his approach to train and how he won several championships in Chess, Tao Chi Push Hands and BJJ. I think you'll like it.
Yes, great book! I read it like 15 years ago though. Time to revisit.