🤯Unknown Unknowns #77 - Sacrifice at the Altar of Identity

I'm not a kind person.  But I can be kind. I know this sounds contradictory, but I will attempt to explain.

Whoever you are, you sacrifice so much more than you realize to your altar of identity.

After many years, I’ve realized I have an identity as an efficient person.  Efficiency underlies every action, everything I do has to be done fast and well.  For example, I like to get somewhere exactly on time, as fast as possible.

I sacrifice all other considerations to efficiency, including kindness.  I can be kindly efficient or efficiently kind.  I just can't be 100% kind.  I can’t just be there for someone, consoling them without attempting to help them.

I've tried to be kind.  I wind up justifying being efficient.  "If they just do this, they'll be better off."  

Someone's hurt?  My immediate response is not to comfort them.  It's how to get them on their feet and going.

Horrific!

But it's the Golden Rule.  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

If I'm hurt, that's how I want to be handled.

Kind people exist.  I have friends who console, who give space for people to express their emotions.  They have an amazing ability to relate to others.  But having a kind identity has its downsides as well.  You may not have boundaries.  You may focus on short term soothing over long term benefits.  You may not accomplish anything.

Your identity inexorably shapes your actions.  Whatever your identity is, whether you're aware of it or not, will supersede any inclinations you might have.

It's similar to identifying with a group.  Paul Graham wrote an essay on Keeping Your Identity Small.  He concludes, "The more labels you have for yourself, the dumber they make you."  The labels you have as a person restricts you to the stereotypes that you hold for that label.  If you think you're a Democrat, you're going to have certain views.  A Republican, other views.  If you're a sports fan, you will be besieged with irrational beliefs and actually consider yourself part of the team so much that you will refer to them as "we."

I use "we" as little as possible.  Only when I refer to family or friends or a working group.

I already know that it’s impossible for me to add kindness. But if I somehow manage to deprioritize efficiency, will that open more room to be kinder?

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Ideas of the Week:

1️⃣

There’s a lot of vulnerability porn circulating lately.  Showing your fears, your failures.  It’s important, pretending everything comes naturally doesn’t allow your audience to connect with you.  It’s an uncanny valley.  But you also need to show competence.  Competence doesn’t necessarily mean expertise or even skill.  Competence means effort.  Showing vulnerability without making an effort is as bad as showing perfection without vulnerability.

2️⃣

DGAF (Don’t Give A Fuck) is the attitude that you don’t care about status games.  I believe there is a DGAF arbitrage.  An arb, in finance, is when you take advantage of two different price levels.  Here, you’re exploiting the fact that almost everyone cares about status such that they will pay up to gain status.  If you don’t care about status, you can save that money.  If your neighbor’s car cost $20,000 more than yours, you can spend that 20k to keep up, or save that 20k and work less.

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Discoveries:

1️⃣

You should be comfortable with your interests.  But not understanding how and why you have those interests is equally as important.

Dorkiness ends where true self-knowledge begins. And this is a product of becoming yourself rather than signaling a (make believe) version of yourself for the benefit of some imagined community. 

🔗 The Dork Ages

2️⃣

Another take on the importance of self-knowledge

Paul Millerd @p_millerd

Aiming at mediocrity would probably end up in better results for most people. It’s amazing how much hustle nonsense is just people being unaware of their own unique personalities

3️⃣

If you don’t know what your actual talents are, what are the consequences?

Perhaps hard work is the penance for not having sufficiently explored and identified the true nature of one’s talent.

🔗 Is It Talent Or Hard Work?

4️⃣

More content from Paul Millerd.  He also argues that there’s an arbitrage opportunity in the creator economy, but I think his take is that the opportunity exists because the default path holds your competitors back from trying.

🔗 The Great Creator Arbitrage Opportunity

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Special Event:

Louie Bacaj and I are going to host another Newsletter Launchpad webinar next week. December 1, 8PM ET. Newsletters are the ideal place to develop and talk about your ideas. Your ideas are currency in both careers and the creator economy. We’ll be talking about how to make a newsletter easy enough to fit into any schedule and we’ll get deeper into how your newsletter can benefit you, no matter what your goals are.

🔗 Register Here (FREE):

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Questions, suggestions, complaints?  Email me at [email protected].  Feedback welcome.

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Leaving you in peace,

Chris